Eyes Wide Open...

So, I go to church this morning, forgetting that we have a guest preacher coming, which is no big deal. But I'm sitting there and two all too familiar females walk in, and who is it?? Zack's ex girlfriend (the one he quit talking to for me and the one he started talking to the second we broke up ) and her BFF. Her dad was our guest preacher. I decided that was it. No one, not Zack, nor anyone in his family could have at least given me a heads up and said, hey this girl is going to be here. I sort of, almost expect it from him. But his family that cares so much about me? Seriously? At first, I started to get bitter... then church started and I just let God take over and I thought, this is MY church and these are MY people and they love ME. I would just like to randomly say that this girl is one that his dad forbid him to talk to. He went as far as going through every call on Zack's phone bill to make sure he wasn't talking to this girl. And just as I suspected, when they first got there, his mom and him came and talked to me like I was ever so important, and then afterwards, to his mom, I didn't exist. Of course, the service was all about forgiveness and if you can't forgive someone for something, God won't forgive you. So, I decided that today is the day to let him go. He already has treated me so bad, and not cared about my feelings, this was it. It was a simple gesture of common courtesy to tell me ahead of time. I prayed harder today than I have in a long time, asking God to give me the strength I need to let him go, to stop loving him, to stop letting him control my life, and everything else. I couldn't even look at him by the time service was over, and he knew it. And he said something. I didn't hang around after church like normal, and he of course practically ran out the door with me to walk me to my car and try to be all buddy buddy. He tried to say he didn't tell me because I don't tell him anything anymore. And I said it was a simple matter of common courtesy and he knew I had a right to know and he told me he was afraid I wouldn't come to church this morning had I known. I would have. I may not pray enough, and I may curse too much and do things wrong, but I'm not going to let that girl come between yet another one of my relationships- my relationship with God. After I left, he texted me and said he was sorry.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed about him and us and me and I have asked to let him go and all things of the sort since we've broken up, and most recently, I prayed that if we are done, if there is no way we can be fixed and get back together and try things again, to heal my heart. To give me the strength I need to let him go. Perhaps this is God saying to me that I need to make more of an effort for Him, that I need to pray more, go to Him all the time and not just when I'm desperate. I need to go back to Him the way I had before. I don't know. But even after today, my heart hurts for Zack. At church this morning, I told God that those were the last tears I wanted to cry for him. And here I sit, fighting them now. Because I still love him. I still want things to magically work out. I still have that hope that one day we can be as great as we once were.

Is quitting that church and isolating myself from him completely really and truly the ONLY way? I don't want him to be sorry. I don't want him to care. I don't want to see the hurt in his eyes when he sees I'm hurting, even if it's his fault. I want him to move on. I want him to forget about me. So when? Part of me feels like I can't let go until he does, and he never will. Why would he? He has the best of both worlds. He's having his cake and eating it, too. Sometimes I ever wonder if he really loved me at all.

I feel like I should apologize for this post, but I won't since I started this for this reason anyway. If you read this, and you pray, please add me to your prayers. I asked for strength this morning, and I feel weaker than when I walked into church. I am lost, and lonely, and hurting, and scared. I always used to be strong. I always bounced back so easy and so much stronger and better off than before. And now, I want to drink myself into a stooper (sp?). I heard a song today that said "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Not me. I wish I couldn't feel anything anymore, at least, until I wake up one day and what I've felt these last 5 months is gone.