An Introduction, I Suppose...

First, I'd like to say that it's been a while since I've "blogged." With as much as I have to say though, I imagine I won't have a hard time getting back into the swing of this. My name is Danielle. I am 26 years old. I'm single. I work for Walgreens, and have since 2004. I am in school studying to be a Paralegal, and I have a year left. I like to paint and do "crafty" things and I am starting to sell my work. It's all very new to me so it's a work in progress.

I just read the book, "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks. It was pretty good, considering I'm not much of a book reader. Like John, I'd like to think I've been through more than most my age, but perhaps that's just me trying to make myself feel better about what I feel is a somewhat pathetic life I lead. I know, only I can change it... blah, blah, blah. I suppose in this first entry, you might think I am a sad, or unhappy, person. I am. But, I am also happy, energetic, funny, and I really do have a great personality and I generally think very highly of myself. I am the most emotional person I've ever known.

I say I'm lonely, because today I am. I live alone, along with my two cats, Lilly (my baby girl, who is about to turn 5 years old) and Sergei (who is a Momma's boy through and through and he is 7), and my turtle Larry, who is almost 4 years old. Lilly, Sergei and Larry are my life. I couldn't force myself to wake up and live life each day without them. I'm the type of person that has to have something to take care of. It's who I am. I get it from my dad. It's just... it's what I do.

As awesome as I am, I don't have many friends. I guess it makes sense. They say you can't love someone else unless you love yourself, so I suppose you can't know who to surround yourself around if you don't know who you are. Does that make sense?

I grew up in a small town in northwest Indiana. The kind of town where everyone knows everyone, you grow up with the same people, and the people either wanna get the hell out and never come back, or they want to stay there forever and raise their families to have the same "safe" childhood they had. I guess I am both. My dad and I moved to north Mississippi in the middle of my junior year of high school. It nearly killed me, or so I thought. He promised that if I still wanted to go back to finish my senior year once school got out, I could. And so I did, only to realize that things weren't the same. By the time my senior year was over, I was ready to pack my bags and hit the road running. And that's pretty much what happened. I love the south. It's warm.

I guess I will get to the point of this blog now... People are judgmental. They have opinions, and they feel they have the right to voice their opinions. And, to an extent, they do. As do I. There are times, more often than others, that I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone that will just listen. Which, is why I enjoy a blog. I can say anything I want and the computer won't talk back. Those of you reading this might, but I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads or not since I am not looking for a response.

I am in love. I am in love with someone who not only does not love me back, but has lied to me, hurt me, taken advantage of me, used me, made me cry (intentionally and on several occasions), allowed me to give him everything I had, change my entire life for him (including my religion), and just overall, make me feel the the most terrible person, ever. I have done a lot of stupid things in my time, a lot of REALLY stupid things... and never have I regretted them because they make me who I am. And now, this person that I speak of, has made me regret something in my life and I am so unsettled by it. Perhaps it's because I love him and he doesn't love me back. Perhaps it's because I have a broken heart and I want it to be healed, even if it's by him. Perhaps it's because I thought I had everything and because of his selfishness, I now have nothing. I regret him. I regret innocently flirting with him and allowing my feelings to grow stronger for him, I regret spending countless hours on the phone with him, telling him my secrets, opening myself up to him, loving him, wanting to spend the rest of my life with him, and so many other things. I have never want to erase any period of my life, until now. I try to not love him. I try to hate him. I try to let him go. I try to move on. When we were together and having problems, I prayed that things would be fixed, even if that meant we broke up. And when we broke up, and didn't get back together, I was devastated. Even though I had said that in my prayers, I never really thought that would be the answer. I thought that if we could just get through it, we could be so awesome again. He told me he didn't love me. And every time I remember that conversation, my mind plays the video of the day he told me loves me and "if this isn't love, I don't know what is." He promised me so many things, and even though I know that his actions, decisions and selfishness are NOT my fault, and even though I know I did everything I could to make him happy, my heart refuses to let the rest of me understand. My head knows. My head knows all too well how bad he treated me. How much he hurt me, how much I didn't (don't) deserve it, and all that other good stuff... yet, my heart... it just won't let go. My head knows I deserve better. It knows how terrible the things he says to me are/were. And yet, I still cry for him. I still miss him. I still wonder where I went wrong (besides allowing myself to ever feel anything for him in the first place), what I can do to fix it and get him back and all that other, you're so pathetic, you need a life, get over yourself crap.

I talk to other guys now and I have spent time with one other guy. And I care for him a lot... more than I'd like to because of the risks involved (yes, I've allowed myself to be that girl who doesn't want to let anyone in). I have know him for several years and even though I am quite different than I used to be when we were around each other all the time, I still feel this... openness with him. I don't know.. I guess it's hard to explain. I don't believe he has the same feelings for me. I know he cares for me, but I think his intentions are a lot more casual than mine. Maybe I'm wrong... guys don't generally share their feelings openly, so it's possible.. but not likely. It doesn't matter, he doesn't live around me anyway.

Hmm... I wasn't really planning to get into all of that in my first entry, but oh well... now you know. And I'm sure you'll hear more about it. It's what I do. I talk. When I tell you about something, I tell you everything.